Damn You Hart Hanson
by stupidlamb3931
Summary: Hart Hanson can go die! A short little oneshot about Jasper's favorite show.


**Well hello there, long time since I've been here! It is indeed my birthday on Sunday so I figured I would write a little something to celebrate. I am self-editing and I am human so I make mistakes. If you happen to catch one, tell me, nicely, and I'll go back and fix it for you. Thanks!**

**This is story is not part of the Dear Diary Duo. In my mind it is set in between Twilight and New Moon.**

**Warnings:Spoilers for Bones "A Pain in the Heart"**

**Disclaimer:I own nothing.**

**XXXXXX**

**Damn You Hart Hanson**

Please just end the torture now! It's Saturday and as per usual I am at the Cullen house, except with Alice instead of Edward, and therein lies the source of my neverending mental anguish.

"Bella, are you paying attention? Stop zoning out, if you want to come to Europe for Rosalie and mine's extensive shopping spree you have to know this stuff."

Yep, that's right. Alice wants me to come on an extended shopping trip with her and Rosalie, IN EUROPE! Can you imagine the type of damage Alice could do in the stores of Europe, I will never be the same again! Not to mention the fact that Rosalie will probably leave me in an airport in Italy or something to get rid of me once and for all. To top it all off, as preperation for this super shopping trip I am being forced to take "fashion lessons", which basically consists of Alice rambling about different designers while shoving issues of Vouge down my throat. And then worst of all Edward is hunting with Carlisle, Rosalie, and Esme so I have no defense against this horrific onslaught.

"BELLA!"

"Ahhh!" I screeched in surprise. "What is wrong with you?! Screaming at people is not okay Alice."

"Sorry, but you were completely dead to the world there and I need your full attention right now missy." I was about to make a comment on being addressed as missy when Alice's eyes suddenly lost focus and she went completely rigid in her chair.

This was obviously a vision so I shut up and waited for it to end. I must say, watching her was very nerve wracking. Especially with the growing look of horror blooming across her face.

".God," she mumbled just before coming out of her trance.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I reached towards her but she jerked away and leapt out of her chair in one fluid motion.

"JASPER, TURN IT OFF!" she shot downstairs and all I could do was follow after her in disbelief.

Reaching the first floor of their house I was proud to say I only stumbled on the stairs once in my mad dash to follow Alice, but my victory was shortlived when I saw what was happening in the living room.

Alice was on top of Jasper on the couch seemingly wrestling for what I assume was the remote and Jasper was flailing wildly trying to throw off his pixie-like wife while yanking on the remote at the same time.

"Alice, just let me finish

the show!" he yelled, finally twisting out from under her and sending her bouncing to the floor. Jasper quickly hit play on the T.V., Alice watching on helplessly, and not two minutes later Jasper was on his feet screaming.

"WHAT?! NO!" Alice jumped up from the floor and went to Jasper.

"Shhhhhh, it's going to be alright."

"Alright?!" Jasper looked crazed. "Alright?! NOTHING IS ALRIGHT! ZACK CONFESSED!" At this point I was utterly lost and Emmett was coming down to check out what was going on.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Jasper was staring at the T.V., his hands clenched so hard he was shaking, and didn't seem up to answering anyone but Alice sure looked pissed at Emmett.

"Emmett! You were supposed to erase Bones from the DVR before Jasper could watch it! I told you this weeks ago when I saw the ending of the episode in a vision!" Alice was very close to Emmett's face and I was pretty sure I was going to see some carnage pretty soon.

"What? Alice, I tune you out half the time once I figure out it's not important enough to waste my time on." Alice looked murderous and I backed up a little in anticipation of the rampage.

"No, no, no! You're wrong, he didn't do it! LIES, ALL LIES!" Jasper's chest was heaving as he continued talking at rapid pace about how whatever T.V. show he was watching was wrong.

"You see Emmett! This is why the show was supposed to be erased. Poor Jasper's in shock I think." This was all too weird even for being in a house full of vampires so I finally had to ask.

"Alice, what's going on? What's wrong with Jasper?" she sighed.

"Jasper is obsessed with this show called Bones about a forensic anthropologist, Dr. Temperance Brennan, who works at the Jefforsonian medicolab and solves murders with her FBI partner.

A recent case was the Gormogon case about a cannibalistic serial killer who takes on apprentices. In the season finale this year you find out that Zack Addy, Dr. Brennan's grad student who recently earned his doctorate, is the Gormogon's apprentice and stabbed a man in the neck for his 'master'. Zack was Jasper's favorite character which is why I wanted Emmett to erase the show before Jasper watched this, so we could avoid another Blue's Clues incident."

"Oh...wait. A Blue's Clues incident?"

"Yeah," Alice replied. "When they replaced Steve with Joe, Jasper had a bit of a breakdown."

"Really? I kinda liked Joe better." Alice's eyes went wide and Emmett yanked me back by the waist just as Jasper whipped around to face us.

"What did you just say?!" he practically roared. Emmett quickly defended me.

"She didn't mean it Jasper, she's just a human!"

"Steve was a genius! Could you have solved the clues that diabolical blue dog left behind?! I DON'T THINK SO!" Alice was back to comforting Jasper now.

"Jasper, deep breaths. You're right, Steve was a genius and Joe was a cheap imitation of the real, wonderful thing." Jasper was nodding along with her while glaring icy daggers in my direction. Alice continued.

"Yeah, and I'm sure Zack didn't really kill that man. It's all a ruse the writers came up with to get ratings."

"But Alice. they're sending him to a mental institute!" Jasper whined.

"I know, I know. But we have to have faith Jasper. Do you think they can really keep Zack locked up? He's a super genius."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Let's go upsatirs. We can watch season one in our room. That has tons of Zack in it." Jasper nodded and allowed Alice to lead him to the stairs. Before she could get him up them though he ran at me and pushed me to the ground before Alice could grab him again.

"Never insult Steve again you wench!"

**XXXXXX**

**Yes, it's true, I'm a huge Bones fan. MY reaction to the whole Zack incident was very similar to Jasper's, Zack was my favorite. Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to read and if you're feeling extra generous you could review too! It is my birthday tomorrow after all.**

**Peace and psycho's apprentices that I love,**

**Stupidlamb3931**

**P.S. I know the dates for between Twilight and New Moon probably don't line up with the air date of A Pain in the Heart but it's my story therefore they now do!**


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